Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
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Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.