@RobertJrDowney

I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

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@SteveKoehler22

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

@Swishergirl24

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

@Wuttercuerk

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

@Birdhumms

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

@IamEnidColeslaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

@tastefactory

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

@Staggfilms

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

@upsidedowntrash

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

@RdrJay47

[Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table