Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.
He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
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I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
This could be us
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[Food Network: Cake Wars]
As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.
Cat Judge pushes it off the table