I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

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me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden


Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.


[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later


Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.


The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster



5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?


If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.