@mydanimarie

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

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@nayele18

You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.

@ChrisThayerSays

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

@jwoodham

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

@rickolantern

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

@FauxFawx

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

@prufrockluvsong

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

@HomeWithPeanut

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

@Home_Halfway

Where do they bury the bodies of the families that lose at Family Feud

@MatticusFinch1

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

@eXentRic_

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*