I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
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A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling