I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
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My first son he is wonderful
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
*looks at you in batman voice*
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Good point.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
✌🏽
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.