I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.