@AlbertBrooks

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

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@JustUnstableMe

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

@bromanconsul

I would like to be Ratatouilled. where’s the rat who’s good at my job

@delusions_of

While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more “Transformer” movies.

@dadthatwrites

“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers

@OhNoSheTwitnt

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

@rockymomax

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

@Try2StopME

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

@mommajessiec

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.