I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise