Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report
What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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I would like to be Ratatouilled. where’s the rat who’s good at my job
*holds a grudge
Grudge: Get off me.
While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more “Transformer” movies.
“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.