I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.