I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers