“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
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“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
couldn’t resist
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions