“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
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“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Ghost costume 😂
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!