When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Life is a suicide mission.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.