@DammitLarry1: When the ex asks to be friends... it's like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
@LindaInDisguise: Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you're drunk.
@Ristolable: For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
@DanMentos: Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn't seen him much lately
@thatdutchperson: [11am]
Me: oh look, it's sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
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