CAVEMAN 1: i make this. it called fire
CAVEMAN 2: how u do that?!
CAVEMAN 1: um *thinking about how he was making 2 sticks have sex* magic
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
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Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
DATE: I’m leaving
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I should probably never be a mom considering I’d rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.