@DammitLarry1: When the ex asks to be friends... it's like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

@LindaInDisguise: Siri, make me pancakes. You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you're drunk.

@Ristolable: For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

@DanMentos: Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn't seen him much lately

@thatdutchperson: [11am] Me: oh look, it's sunny out. Me: I should go running. Me: or swimming! Me: these Doritos are delicious.