@matt___nelson

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

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@gavinpivott

A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.

@AntozWolf

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

@felixoshea

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

@ImFordTough

In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.

@stewteee

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

@iamlaurenp

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

@TheBoydP

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

@princess_snide

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.