I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
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Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.