I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.