I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

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DUMBLEDORE: Say hello to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Totally-Not-Working-For-Voldemort.
SNAPE: Dude, seriously?


Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.


My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.


Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.



Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?


Don’t do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They’ve had a long day.


[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*


With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.


[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.


Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.