I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.