[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
translated into Canadian
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.