I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
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My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.