@xoCAMILLAxo

I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!

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@TheToddWilliams

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

@tastefactory

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

@Donna_McCoy

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

@mack44_d

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

@BoomBoomBetty

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

@charliedelta7

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

@Reverend_Scott

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

@WheelTod

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.