I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.


My mom told me never to talk to strangers…

*joins Twitter*


DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
DORA: “I like that part too.”


Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.


DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT


Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.


Finally relating to the moms in the group, but after a few awkward minutes, realized their “magic bullet” was a food processor.