I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up


Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.


A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.


Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?


I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.


[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex


Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, ‘Ptuesday’


*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.


Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”


The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room