@lecalabara

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

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@osoplain

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

@Amburglar_

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

@jwoodham

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

@HatfieldAnne

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

@OwensDamien

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

@KeetPotato

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

@ThaJawn

Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, ‘Ptuesday’

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

@DaddyJew

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

@poizngrl

The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room