I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
this FaceApp is creepy af
I am HOWLING at this
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you