I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
those birds must be on payroll
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
my professor scared me for a second
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.