@HomeProbably

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

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@jellybnbonanza

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

@actioncookbook

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

@ShawnHatosy

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

@DecantAndPour

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@PantsDonkey

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

@UnFitz

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

@DaddyJew

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo