@HomeProbably: I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
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@stevevsninjas: How Animals React To Smoke DEER: Bounds away. MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel. BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
@RuffaloShuffle: *Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo* "May divorce be with you" "What?" "Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I'd make it fun"
@capnmcfword: People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I'm gonna stop coming to work now.
@Tmoney68: [Planning Rustic Vacation] Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage? Her: What’s the difference? M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath. H: I meant in price.