I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
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“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
men are simple creatures
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s