I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now