Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
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Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
need him
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
These are my roll models.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?