I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
You Might Also Like
Not all heroes wear capes…
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.