I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
new record!
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.