4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
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I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment