I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.
This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. 🥺
Normally, I do not go because I am poor.
*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.
*five minutes later
I gotta pee.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today