@SomthinBoutSara

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

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@wickedsuga

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

@trojansauce

KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?

@BuckyIsotope

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

@stevezorz

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

@david8hughes

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

@DothTheDoth

If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.

@PaulFrei

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

@imadepoopstoday

[job interview]

“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”

It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.

“…yes.”

@_SetTheHook_

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?