I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

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I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.


Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.


Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.


This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. 🥺

Normally, I do not go because I am poor.


*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.

*five minutes later
I gotta pee.


My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”


I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today