Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
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Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
spicy snake
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
WHY?!
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.