The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too