*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Awwwww shit.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
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