@TheMichaelRock

I thought I had swag once, turned out it was just a mosquito bite.

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@yonewt

Make me wait this long there’d better be a foam masterpiece on my cappuccino, don’t even try to appease me with a fern

@dubstep4dads

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

@haleysfalling

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

@ClassOf20l6

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@AsgardianRose

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

@ruinedpicnic

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy
Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE

@shawnspree

Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.