i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes