i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

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The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse


Her: Ok you hang up.

Him: No, you hang up first.

Her: No, you first.

Him: No, you first.

NSA: Both of you hang up.


Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.


wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen


I’ll write a song about you! What’s your name?

Horse: Agamemnon

Agana.. Anga… ang..

🎵I went through the desert on a horse with no name


People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.


Me: There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You’re not helping


BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?