i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Her: Ok you hang up.
Him: No, you hang up first.
Her: No, you first.
Him: No, you first.
NSA: Both of you hang up.
Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Counting Crows #GoodBandNameBadFirstDate
I’ll write a song about you! What’s your name?
Agana.. Anga… ang..
🎵I went through the desert on a horse with no name
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Me: There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You’re not helping
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?