i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Best spot.. 😅
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Cake!!
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.