@kellysdf

I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.

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@VerifiedJayy

Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.

Wait til spring

Enjoy

@rebrafsim

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

@Shower4Thought

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

@goldengateblond

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

@illTortuga

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

@not_delicate

Dance like everyone is watching and secretly recording you in a video that is bound to go viral for all the wrong reasons

@skittle624

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

@Jenn_H_Scott

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy