FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
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Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.
Wait til spring
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Dance like everyone is watching and secretly recording you in a video that is bound to go viral for all the wrong reasons
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy