Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?