I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.

You Might Also Like


Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.

Wait til spring



Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home


Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.


Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.


LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.


“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”


Dance like everyone is watching and secretly recording you in a video that is bound to go viral for all the wrong reasons


Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.


I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy