I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
You Might Also Like
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.