I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.