I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
My family is starting to catch on to my “I died” excuse.
*slides teller a note*
M: uh huh
T: *slides me a lollipop*
A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.