I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE