I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”


My family is starting to catch on to my “I died” excuse.


[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T: *slides me a lollipop*


A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.


So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.


6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down


If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.