@Parkerlawyer

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

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@alexapelagio

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????

@TheDailySchmuck

Top Five Creepy Things:

5) Dark and stormy nights
4) Spiders
3) Cars with eyelashes
2) Decaf drinkers
1) People who take one bite of cake

@MissSassy_Pants

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

@thedadvocate01

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

@MikeCanRant

Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.

@OMGSoOverIt

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

@Schindizzle

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

@RedemptionAJ

Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I’m trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?

@daddydoubts

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.