I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home