I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.