Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one