*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
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I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Good dog. ❤️
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
yes, those are my real potatoes.