Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
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In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
💻🤡
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation