@TheWoodenslurpy

I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.

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@daemonic3

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

@LittleMissAngr1

[Showing my friend my poem]

Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables

Me: Haiku is two syllables

@astutenewf

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

@thedad

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

@Kids_kubed

Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!

@Scriblit

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

@CherBear162

Did you hear that?

What?

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

NOT “WHAT?”..WHAT!?

What?

*axe murderer kills both*

@markydoodoo

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

@decentbirthday

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes