ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong. It was just a guy who looked like him.
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[Showing my friend my poem]
Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables
Me: Haiku is two syllables
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Husband’s Last Words
I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Did you hear that?
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
*axe murderer kills both*
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes