I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
can’t talk my ride’s here
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Very problematic
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before