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I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.