I thought I wanted to get married again.

Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.

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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together


I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.


DUMBLEDORE: Say hello to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Totally-Not-Working-For-Voldemort.
SNAPE: Dude, seriously?


Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.


the best insult ever is “who is this clown” because

1. you’re calling them a clown
2. you’re saying they’re not even a well known clown


My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.


Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.


What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?


DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say


People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.