Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
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Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.