I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
peak technology
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.