Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Twilight and Hostess are over. It’s a sad day for fat girls.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.