I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist